advice for step-parents

Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster
and if you gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes into you.  -Nietzsche

I am the product of step-parents. While I don’t have a bad relationship with my current step-parent, I don’t really have a relationship at all. It’s painful when you become a necessary evil for the person who married your father/mother… Please remember, we didn’t choose to be given to you, we were here first, you married in.

So, that being said, I don’t believe that any step-parent tries to be a bad parent. I believe that most really give it a try, some succeed, some don’t. I also believe that many don’t try at all, we become a “pain the ass” we become “his kids” or “her kids”, never “our kids” or “the kids”. We become second to your children, and often become second to our “real” parent.

It is not easy to be placed in a family with people you barely know, and a parental figure who has not a clue who you are. I am not saying its easy for anyone, but again, you chose to marry, we did not.

So, if you are a step-parent, going to try to be a step-parent or may someday find yourself in that role, here are a few things that might help in your quest for relationship happiness.

Never believe your kids over your step kids (outwardly) hear all the facts. You know your kids have faults, all problems take 2 to create, don’t leave one person holding the bag.

Invite your step-kids to family functions, don’t expect them to call you “mom”/”dad” and don’t blanch if they do, recognize they had a different parent who may or may not be living.

Learn about their early years. Find out the colors they like, what foods are their favorite. Never try to buy them (sorry kids, sometimes this will get you a lot of loot, but you’ll still feel empty in the end).

Include them in “family photos”, bring them to mother/daughter, father/son dinners, picnics, dances, outings.

Keep everything fair when shopping/gift giving. Never expect more from your own children than you do your step-children or vise versa.

Split all chores equally among all children. Go see them play sports, take their picture, give them praise.

Remember that you are the adult, so if they are childish and hurtful you don’t have to be. You are given a rare chance to be a good role model by showing them that you can take what they dish out without becoming enraged. Instead, find out what is really bothering them, be very honest. Kids recognize that sometimes honesty hurts, and they know people are truly honest with the people they love the most.

When moving in with a step-child you are given the opportunity to see all of their assets and all of their flaws. Don’t talk about their flaws to everyone you meet, or know, instead speak of their assets.

Never use their parent to hurt them, try to strengthen the relationship they have with their parent. This will keep everyone happier in the end.

Treat them as you would have your children treated. Be fair, be kind, be generous. Help them, show them how to have a good relationship, show them how to be a good person, how to be a good parent, how to be a good step-parent.

Show them what a life without painful circumstances is like… at the least, they deserve that.